Healing from Shame - The Rev. Brian Petersen

Did you ever play Truth or Dare when you were a kid? I suppose that many of us have (including myself), but I can also say that it was not a game that I ever enjoyed very much. It’s one of those games that kids often end up using to traumatize each other, especially when it comes to dares to do ridiculous or even dangerous things. I think that my first kiss probably came from a game of Truth or Dare, not that it’s particularly memorable or romantic to be dared into kissing someone. But, at least for me, even the most terrifying dare was preferable to the even worse alternative – the truth.

The truth was worse, because inevitably you would be asked to reveal some deep, dark secret that you hoped would never have to see the light of day. And by doing so, you put yourself at risk for scorn, for rejection, and for shame. Even the dumbest dare could eventually be lived down, but the risk of telling the truth about the things we’d rather hide felt like it could be life-altering.

A simple kid’s game gives us some very important insight into a lurking power in all of our lives: the power of shame. Brene Brown has called shame “the master emotion” because of how deeply it can control and affect us – it tells us that we are “never good enough”, that we are “unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.” So much of the dysfunctional behavior that we experience, whether in our own lives or through others – is rooted in shame.

For those of us who grew up with religious backgrounds, our sense of shame and our view of God are closely connected. And if we grew up with a view of God as condemning and angry at human sin, demanding perfection and closely watching our every move, we might find that shame is a barrier for us in connecting with God in a meaningful and loving way. Our story of who God is (and how we think God sees us) will often define how we value ourselves.

The story of the Samaritan woman at the well from John’s gospel just happens to be a story about shame, and about how God sees us – but I think it’s a story that speaks strongly in opposition to the narrative that many of us were brought up with. It flips the script, because it shows us Jesus (on whom, as Christians, we must always base our idea of God!) as the one who meets us in the midst of our shame, sees us for who we are, and loves and calls us anyway.

The story begins with the woman acting out of her sense of shame. She is going to draw water from the well in the middle of the day, at the time when she would be most unlikely to have to encounter anyone else.

Why did she want to avoid people? We don’t know, but we can infer that she is carrying some sort of trauma that has brought her a sense of unworthiness. It would be a mistake to focus on her as some sort of example of sinfulness due to her marital situation – first of all, a woman in her time would not have any control over her own marital status, and Jesus never condemns her or even calls her to repentance. Jesus does name her trauma though – not as a way of judging, but as a way of opening her up to the only thing that can truly cure shame – vulnerability.

Of course, as we know from playing Truth or Dare, vulnerability is not easy. Feeling the risk of exposure, the woman becomes somewhat defensive in her conversation with Jesus, changing the subject to talk about the controversies between the Jews and the Samaritans. Jesus could have left her at this point, but he stays with her, seeing her and hearing her and gently leading her to the truth – that the Spirit of God sees beyond our shame, beyond our divisions and arbitrary distinctions of where and who is holy or not – and offers living water from a well that will never run dry.

The Samaritan woman is able to receive this, this gift of living water, because she knows that she is thirsty. Jesus sees her for who she is and gives her the space to encounter her own true self through vulnerability rather than shame. Jesus also reveals to her, her own blessedness, and in turn she is able to carry that message to others. “Come and see a man who told me everything I have ever done – and loved and chose me anyway!” John tells us that “many Samaritans believed in him because of her testimony.” What an amazing model for us as we wrestle with what it means to bear that message ourselves.

Jesus reveals that God sees us, too, for who we are – knowing everything we have every done, and choosing us anyway. We, then, can be proud to stand and tell our stories – the truth, the good and the bad – because we know that we are God’s beloved and that God’s grace shines through us. We don’t have to cut ourselves off from the family of God – we don’t need to be like the Israelites in the desert asking “is the Lord among us or not?”

Wherever and whenever we think we might need to hide away – Jesus shows up to meet us, not as judge, but as the one who says “you are enough. You do belong. You are connected, and you are loved.”

We are the people of his pasture and the sheep of his hand – oh that today we would hear this voice, open our hearts to receive this blessing, and share this blessing with others.