Talk About Interfaith

By: Jim Stiven

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: two Jewish men, an Episcopal priest, and a retired federal judge … plan a funeral.

New one for you? Well, me too! I’m the judge, and I’m here to tell you all about it.

On Feb 15 of this year, an 86 year old woman by the name of Joan passed away in Dana Point.

As a child, Joan was raised as an Episcopalian, but in her late 20s, she met and married a Jewish man, and together they raised their two boys in the Jewish faith.

In her will (or other testamentary papers) she made it known that she wished for some recognition of her Episcopal upbringing to be incorporated into her memorial service.

Her sons, Ethan and Michael, contacted Mother Brenda to ask if she could participate in the service. Mother Brenda informed them that as an Episcopal priest, she was allowed to do so only at an Episcopal service in a church. However, the boys felt this was not appropriate for their Jewish family and loved ones, who might be uncomfortable with such a service.

When the two men asked if Mother Brenda had any suggestions, she said, “Maybe. Let me ask Jim Stiven.” And thus my journey to becoming an interfaith funeral officiant began.

While I’m definitely not ordained, I am a retired federal judge, and I have held a number of positions with the Episcopal Diocese of San Diego. Feeling that this experience had prepared me well enough, and wanting to respond compassionately to these two men’s desire to honor their mother’s wishes, I agreed. “OK, I’ll do it,” I said, and Ethan and Michael approved.

So that’s how, as a long-time Episcopalian, I ended up presiding at a Jewish funeral.

The service was at the Fairbanks Ranch Country Club, and did include an explanation of why I was officiating. It also combined some words about Joan’s life provided by her sons, readings from the Hebrew Scriptures, and an interfaith benediction.

It was a beautiful service, and very unique. I’ve done several secular weddings and co-officiated at some Christian weddings - but this was my first Jewish funeral.